Desperate Fishwives?

Yes, the post's title is at least five years out of date but I always wanted to use it. It's a kind of checksum for all Alan Carr jokes.

Anyhoo, I am one day into internet dating and all seems good. A few winks, apparently a few "private" messages (despite them clearly being generic) and I feel "loved". I have to say there are some beautiful single people out there. The problem I have, though, is that I have to sign up and pay money to reply to these lovely ladies. Paying isn't a problem per se but online dating does seem to be f%££$&$g expensive. No, seriously. F&^%$%£g expensive.

£20 per month? At these prices I can't even afford to make a joke about a happy ending. For £20 I get three times guaranteed with a local lady of the night AND they phone for my taxi.

I jest, of course. But my point still stands. Love must be cheaper than this. If I signed up I would feel dirty and desperate. If I was paying that much I would say yes to people I wouldn't normally want to.

I finally get it. Get out there and do stuff. Meet people. That's how you do it!

Apologies for the saccharine shizzle.

Some sort of Personal Growth

A very difficult wicket stands. I am still here despite personal grrrs.

Anyhoo, as reserved as I am, I want to make you aware of my latest landmark.

Internet dating. Of the many social and technological advances we, as a species, have made I never thought I would be one of the mun_  sorry punters that use these sites.

A questionnaire that would baffle even the most astute PHD/Rocket Scientist/Brain Surgeon (all things I may have noted on my profile). Social politics are fine for the unaware but the idiots among us have to make do with our own selves.

That aside, I was greeted with many purdy ladies. Especially one from Torquay (my old stamping ground).

Keep watching for further nonsense

Week 1 Round up (1/8) - 30km

Reading Half is only seven weeks away and so my last push has finally started. Proper bo. This means six runs a week: 

Wednesday is Speed night (I believe they had the same in a pub I used to work at. Sometimes, karaoke)

Thursday is a 10k (to gauge my progress) 

Friday is Tempo (slow, then fast, then slow - the more mature part of myself prohibits me from making a sex joke) 

Sunday is the big boy. X amount of time, slow 

Tuesday and Saturday are token 3 or so mile looseners (check ME out - 3 miles will NEVER be just a loosener). 

The plan I have based it on (I have made minor changes to the structure but not the content) is here. It's the last one on the page.

Yesterday's long run was 1:30. No distance was prescribed, just run for 1:30.  Being a Sunday I waited until the sun was about and went back to home turf - the canal path. Any fatigue was offset by the beauty of the course,  the flatness of the path, and the distinct aroma or hemp emitting from one of the barges.

The toilets at Bradford on Avon lock helped, too.

The Sunday morning long runs will be used to test out my match-day tekkers. What time should I get up? What should I eat before? Warm up? What should I eat during? This week was a partial success. Bowl of cereal and a coffee, 90 mins before start was a good start. I sucked on a gel at about 50 mins for the next 20 or so mins. Definitely worked. Felt sluggish at the end, so a two gel, or one gel plus jelly babies structure would be good. I will keep testing.

It is Monday now (my rest day) and I feel surprisingly good (if a little weary). The saddest/craziest thing is that tonight, I have missed it.

I'll save my awesome pavement camber/foot pronation stories for a log fire somewhere. 

A post I didn't expect to make

On viewing the BBC Sport website just now I was greeted with an unexpected laughing fit. The inane tweet I had made to #bbccricket was actually published.

Absolutely true -

  I thought the BBC were classier than to put my nonsense on. Must be a really boring match.

#Stillgiggling

Now that's what I call banality

I have never run faster than I am now, to the defence of Twitter. If you want the ultimate arbiter for your thoughts, jokes and witty retorts, Twitter is what you need. If you want to feel falsely close to celebrities (like David Baddiel) then Twitter is what you need. If you want to develop your left bicep exponentially when a New York model sends you a message, Twitter is what you need (true story).

I know Twitter can be used to effect massive and important change, such as 3rd world uprising, inclusivity of isolated people and proper social reform but, for me, when someone tweets, say, a request for names of bad cover bands, well. That makes me happy.  A few hundred responses later and I was spent. "High"lights include:

- Emerson, Fake and Palmer
- Electric Shite Orchestra (my fave)
- Not so Keane

Tonight's shout was Fake Channel 5 documentaries. Too many thoughts. I channeled my inner Partridge:

- When Cotton Wool Attacks!
- War. Huh. What is it really good for?
- World's most incontinent Mormon

Twitter is just a forum for one liners. One liners and instant judgement.

Bring it on!

Scenes we'd like to see

Rejected New Year's Resolutions

- Watch less adult-interest material on the internet

- Watch more Eastenders now Danny Dyer is in it

- Eat more Cous Cous

- Stop wiping my nether-regions on every cup in the office when I come in early and feel bitter

- Make my cleavage-staring less obvious

- Make any effort to get my 5-a-day

- Take up smoking just so I can quit and get hooked on the E-cigarettes

- Take Ray Winstone's advice and put a fiver on RVP to score first

Temper, temper

2013 was a good year. No two ways about it, it may have been up and down but, ultimately, good.

In sum:

- Ran two half marathons in the space of two months
- Raised money for charity
- Lost about 3 stone
- Got a new job
- Started this blog!

It was a year that was an exercise in achievement and necessity. I have come out of it stronger and fitter; with scars fading and new porpoise.

If 2013 was the building season that I so desperately needed, 2014 should be consolidation and progression. Like Spurs under Tim Sherwood. I have made my list of seven resolutions that will start 02/01/14 (any resolution that starts on New Year's Day is destined to fail). A much shorter list than I anticipated but I have only included the biggies. I won't list them now but will report on these as and when they get passed/failed.

The one I will tell you about is that I will not be drinking for the entire year. Less of a necessity, more of an exercise in focus. I feel too good when I go through a period of temperance to not give it a go.

I won't list the resolutions but I will give the epithet by which I wish to live the next 364 days.

Go hard or go home