Random update...A review of the Race Forever may follow soon.

Various bits of good, bad and random news are going on with my life.still not sure.

Bad news? I've split up with Sarah. Good news? I've split up with Sarah. Now this may sound flippant but I think it is ultimately best for both of us. What I don't understand is why it happened. Did she cheat? Certainly most of what she said has suggested she did. But I also prefer to live in a world where that didn't happen.

I'm also on youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67L_T9ieXuU. I'm the fat guy on the left in the blue shirt.

I'm back getting properly involved with Facebook. Found lots of friends, blocked certain ex-girlfriends (see above). My point is that I'm getting involved with FB on MY terms. I never used to be able to expouse that self-restraint. FT316 is my favourite page and I have made some good contributions.

Also had my Occupational health call today. I wanted to go back to work tomorrow but the lovely welsh lady told me I had to stay off until the 5th August. Oh well. But I'm so fucking bored. See you all then, I guess.

BTW Peter Hitchins really is that much of a dick. Nicky Campbell is surprisingly OK. TBQ biscuits are lovely.

The race forever...

This was meant to be a post about how I was finally turning the corner. Don't get me wrong. It is. But over the last 36 hrs all manner of shit has gone down.

1: The pills have finally kicked in properly. I may be back at work on Monday, maybe Tuesday. All I know is that I will NOT be getting another note (I am SO fucking bored - being able to recount the entire Red Dwarf script is one thing. Being able to do the same with the Father Dowling Mysteries is quite another).

2: I finally have my "therapy" appointment all sorted out. I'm comfortable with therapy. Makes me a bit closer to Hollywood (?!?!)

3: Sarah and I have split up. Although I technically did the deed it was her that wanted us over. Ah well, such is life.

4:My ex (Laura) has told me that my son is asking about me. She has asked me for an email to send to him. Duly done.

No. As personal as this blog is, I will not publish any of those emails.

The corner was turned by the end of point 1. Corner turned and now I feel like I'm speeding down the highway of the race forever (Choose your own Adventure fans will appreciate that reference).

Celeb Masterchef...Pffft

Enjoying the current series of Celeb Masterchef.

Plus points:

The introduction of a "relay" in last night's semi. Two teams of three get 20mins to do an invention test whilst hoping the next person can carry the baton and continue the dish. Either continue it or improve it.

The idea that a team containing Biggins and Wayne Sleep are the "boys". Charley Boorman must have enough testosterone to make up the difference.

Redefining insanity. For me, the definition of insanity is now baking (yes, baking!) for the WI. Yes, they seem like a nice bunch elderly of women who get together periodically to swap recipes and knit. Do you know what? That description is literally like saying The Spanish Inquisition liked to sit you down for a cup of tea and a nice chat.

Jodie Kidd. Think she will win it. But it is close.


The annoyances:

The ousting of Millie...Whoever. Ok, she had a poor round. But I think she showed enough potential and actual knowledge to win it.

The realisation the Chrissie Biggins has clearly had written into his contract that he had to be referred to as "Biggins". I didn't think that until I saw on the menu that was provided clearly said just "Biggins". I think he was the first of the great divas. BTW if you feel like putting this into the positives column I won't think any less of you.

The insistence in the promos that this might be the greatest cbc (Celeb MasterChef). Now, I understand you have to big it up to secure another season. But don't lie to us. As Judge Judy would say "Don't pee on my leg and tell me its raining". I will give you a list of people who prove it is not the greatest. (attempt at chronological order, but, will probably get that wrong):

Matt Dawson
Andi Peters (He was the greatest shock of all)
Danny Mills (Another travesty)
Phil Vickery
Janet Street Porter (I said she'd win it unless they brought in a ringer. Then this guys rocks up...)  
Ade Edmundson (Booya)

I'm starting to want to switch the life-support machine of Celeb Masterchef off. It is kept around for people to look at, not get involved and asking "Who is stinking up the place?"

The flatline would be the greatest ever thing to incorporate into the theme tunes...

Stupidity...

How do you have sex with cheese?

Caerphilly.

Right. I'm really bored now. Just watching Pointless (yes the irony didn't escape me just like the elderly viewers of Countdown) and have become incandescent with rage. 5 pics of David Fincher films. Big fan of Fincher. Well, the first half of his career. The second half can go suck it.

I shockingly missed the second in my all time list - Se7en - thinking that it might be Sleepers (yes, I mistook Gywneth Paltrow for Minnie Driver. No, I agree. You tell me.). In my defence (of which there is none) my tv is really small. I can't see these picture clues well.

Fincher now officially annoys me. I may or may not have done a previous post on him but I have new information (information that indicates that no, I don't wiki or IMDB, but I do use Pointless for my points of reference). The reason he annoys me is that he started his career so beautifully. Fight Club. Se7en. Two of my top 3  all time films. I feel the need to digress. My third favourite is True Romance.

Now I realise that all three contain Brad Pitt. Oh yes. Shit just got real. I am not, and never have been, gay (previous potential exes may disagree). I don't think that he is a particularly good actor (although Moneyball is excellent, largely because of Pitt's performance. Personally I think it is mostly due to Jonah Hill. As an aside he seems to be like Jim Carrey but with foresight).

Oh yeah Fincher. Cunt. 'parently did one of the alien films. Didn't know. I liked Zodiac. Hated Panic Room. Se7en and Fight Club are works of true genius. You want a critical analysis of either of these films? Just ask (hurh I just said "Anal"). Oh, also, The Game is Michael Douglas' greatest moment in film. It would be Basic Instinct but his acting performance is shadowed by the glare cast by Sharon Stone's <insert own witty euphemism>.

An excerpt from one of my top 3 films

The greatest scene in film history.

From about 6:50? The acceptable face of racism.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3yon2GyoiM

My attempt at being clever... Epic fail

The study of philosophy and suicide has been genuinely interesting. There are a few items that have given me much food for thought. They are all out of copyright so you should find them all for free with a quick google search (and, believe it or not, none of them are porn. I only say that because most of my google searches end up with me watching porn*.

Ok, first up is the misleadinlgy depressing-sounding "On the Suffereing of the World" by Schopenhauer (a philospher that I sought out ENTIRELY because he was given a cursory reference in Monty Python's Meaning of Life (personally, my favourite of the MP films in no small part due to the greatest song ever - Every Sperm is Sacred - and, just before this, the line "The meaning of life part 2. The Third World. Yorkshire")). Just as a quick aside my old Entertainment Manager used to have a standard joke "I know there are people from up north in tonight as at the bar I heard the Yorkshire War-cry - How Much?!?!)

Anyhoo, I digress. "On the Suffering of the World" begins by stating the only true option any of us have is suicide. He quickly dismisses this and goes on to discuss aesthetics of our idea of being and how it differs from its practicality.

No, seriously, its quite interesting.

I will move quickly on to something that is much more accessible. Camus' essay on the myth of Sisyphus is a sentiment to which we can all relate. The original story was that this guy, Sisyphus, was being punished by the Gods for being a general dick. Or something. His punishment was to have to push a boulder up a hill, let it roll down, then start again. As an aside it is at this point the ancient greeks' penchant for homo-eroticism is clear as all artists' representations of Sisyphus make him appear ripped! Seriously. Not gay.

Camus took this story and suggested that the eternally punished were happy. For all of the toil he gives, for the few seconds that he is at the top, before he trudges down he has the respite, seeing the beauty of creation. It describes that Sisyphus' struggle is not that far from our own.

Finally, I offer Plato's Laches. An exposition on the true nature of courage. These three works should be prescribed before anti-depressants. This probably explains why I'm not a doctor.

I've been blogging probably a bit too much recently so may calm it down (may not. Not sure). I'm waiting for the day I say something that is too far gone to be defensible and I no longer "have" to do it (seriously, I've done that on purpose on a Facebook forum. Just don't ask). My struggle feels a little like Sisyphus'. I type and type and type just for that moment when someone says to themselves "hurh".

Seriously. Not gay.

*This is not strictly true as it has been many years since I needed Google to help me find porn. It is technically true, however, as my browser is Google chrome

Boredom. The silent killer...

It may please some of you to know that I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Proper honesty:

There have been a couple of reasons for this turn around. None of which include interaction with people. I have blogged. Clearly. I've kind of blogged my way out of trouble. Like when Jamie Carragher used to twat someone in lieu of an effective tackle, then look at the ref as if to say "what did I do, ref?"

The other reason has been less influential but just as important.

I grew up on a diet of american sitcoms, feel-good movies and musicals. I could truly be used as a subject in a case study into the idea that homosexuality is not a product of your influences. I grew up knowing that the good-looking blonde guy would always get the chick, no matter how much of an arsehole he was. I knew that the fit cheerleader would always get the hot guy no matter how much of an arsehole she was.

I grew up knowing that the underdog will always win and that the ugly guy is surprisingly clever and likeable. I grew up knowing that a certain amount of arrogance is acceptable but a touch too much makes you the villan.

It has honestly been a long struggle because I have always been a massive child (at one point that was literally true). To depart from the values you held for so long, that were ingrained, is tough. You want to leave the bad bits behind but you don't really want to change yourself so inexorably that you lose the parts of you that you like.

I have blogged, yes. But I have also spent a lot of time listening to the soundtrack of Avenue Q. It kind of bridges the gap between the lie we are all told as kids and the reality we learned to accept.

I feel like I have gone through puberty again.

"I wish I could go back to College" contains sentiments to which we all can relate.
"There's a fine, fine line" beautifully describes the end of a relationship and is a very mature reaction to it.
"For Now" sets out a realistic representation of how we should approach life.

I will keep blogging and keep getting better. Read it, don't read it. I don't care. It has been a long time since I cared whether anyone clicked here.

Seriously, not gay.

Respite. Me style.

Over the last few days I've done some serious blogs. So, to lighten the mood, some "comedy".

Middle lane drivers eh? Grrr (shakes fist). Women parking? Grrrr (fist is tired from the previous shaking so I merely imply a shake. Like an old man at a urinal. Buh-dum ch)! My mother in law is so fat she was the before picture on the Subway commercial (I genuinely just made that up!). It's funny because i haven't got a mother in law.

It is from true pain and suffering that we derive our beauty. History bears this out. I'm obviously not referring to the above nonsense but lets see how this comes out. The obvious place to start is Wlfred Owen, Siegfried Sasson and the other great war poets. Classical music also supports this - the great works of Smetana (Ma Vlast), Weber and Wagner have all come from times of strife in their homelands whereas others use personal grief to help express themselves. Van Gogh is well know to have suffered, and, more contemporarily, we have the genius of Winehouse, Kobain, George Best and Zippy (who, as we all know, spunked a fortune on hookers and killed himself by having a particularly hot wash and forgetting to go in the tumble drier).

We all choose our place of solace. I find mine in a certain part of my head. A place where I can hide from the scary unicorns and piercing rainbows.Somewhere I am free to consider the possibility of bad grammar, dirty looks and anal fisting. Without the pain we cannot have the respite. Without the tears we cannot have our eyes opened again. Without the respite we cannot have the beauty. You will agree with this as soon as you stop reading and you think "thank fuck that's over".

One day all of our worlds will end and it is with hope that the world is a little better for me having left it.    

Again with this shit... The song to which I refer is "There's a fine, fine line" from Avenue Q

I hope I can find the strength to make this my last contact with you. 

I wanted to share a song with you that I've probably shared with you before. Some bits are about you and some about me. I'll leave you to decide which is which.

All I ever ask is please don't hate me. I think the main reason you don't want to be with me is that I'm just a scared child. 

Another new post that was an email to a (now) ex g/f

Hi (babe/s doesn't really sound appropriate right now)

I apologise in advance for the excessive use of parenthisis, commas, colons, dashes etc.

I also apologise for the fact I am writing this to you knowing it will be posted on my blog. It is my hope and wish that it might make a couple of blokes at Capita go "Huhhh, yeah he's right there".

I wanted to give you a final email to sum up and give my take (/commentary) on what we've been through.

You are amazing. I love you and everyone who reads my blog or has spoken to me in the last few months (especially Scott and Milo) knows this is the case. To this day this fact has not changed. General constructs of language dictates I should put a "but.." in there but I will not. I love you. You speak to me in a way that I can appreciate and respect. I truly apologise If I ever come across as if I'm speaking down to you (I asked you to give me examples which, I understand, is an example of me speaking down to you!!!) but I speak to you as an equal. You are by far and away the most intelligent g/f I have ever had.

we have had some hard times (very) recently. I'll sum it up slightly different than before. You loved me. Your crime was that you loved me. I don't know how you feel now. The punishment for your crime was that you had to be with me. You wanted to know everything about me? I told you. I started by talking about Luke and the reasons I cannot see him. I went on to my parents and have gone on to answer any question you have (and many you didn't ask).

I went on to meet you (yes, this IS the timeline!) and fell so head-over-heels in love with you that, at the weekend I asked you to marry me. I can guarantee you didn't expect it because I didn't expect it!

In the few months we spent together I got to know and love your kids. Jake's beautiful cheekiness, Olly's innocence and caring, Zach's leadership and Beth's strength of character. I have tried to guide them the right way and you, to your credit, accepted my help.

You said Yes. All my christmasses and birthdays had come at once. I even phoned your dad to ask his permission! If you ask ANY of my exes they will tell you that's not the kind of thing I do! Really!

The last few days have been hell. After a couple of days of you ignoring me (pretty much) and a few days without sleep and feeling as bad as I ever have I sent you a suicide note. I thought it was the, erm, polite thing to do. But that's not how you took it.  

You decided to go on the offensive. Fine. That's up to you. You left me. Again, your right and privilege. I suppose the whole reason for this post is this question. Is the only reason for you leaving me the fact that I opened up with a suicide note?

This is probably too personal...

I've done this  on my other blog and have found it saves time. Below is an email I sent to my g/f that says pretty much what I wanted to post here. Anyone who can tell me where my quote was from receives a prize. The prize is a round of applause that you won't hear:

Hi babe,

First things first.This is probably going to be a looooong email but at no point will it be, or is intended to be, a "Dear John" letter. Just me putting random thoughts on "paper".

Second things second. I love you. Nothing will ever change that.

It's tough to know where to start. But that is simply because I'm sending you this for no actual reason other than me being bored, frustrated, tired etc.

So let's start with something easy and nice. A simple (rhetorical) question - Do you have any idea how much I loved the kisses we shared on Monday morning? I felt the full softness and beauty of your face and your lips. Whatever happens in the future (and I have no reason to think it would be anything bad) I will never regret asking you to marry me. You are more perfect than you will ever realise. It would be an honour and a privilege to be able to call you my wife.

Something maybe less nice. But very honest.

Monday morning I spent at least half of the train journey in tears. I have no idea why. Maybe because I was listening to the emotional songs of avenue q. Maybe because I missed you. Maybe because life is very hard for me right now. Probably a combination of the three. In what has become my emotional state for the last couple of days ( exacerbated by my lack of sleep) I have managed to overreact to you not speaking to me (n.b. I'm still not sure I did overreact but when I look at myself from  the outside I see that it may be the case).

I've been thinking about suicide a lot. I'm not even going to try to lie about it. I have enough paracetmol in my bedroom to floor a Rhinoceros. I don't think I will go anywhere near it, though. I know that your love will see me through. "I have known what it is to have the love of a good woman." 

Life is hard right now. I don't know how to deal with it. I wouldn't think any less of you if you didn't want to deal with it. But, and this is probably the sub-conscious reason for this email, do you truly want to spend the rest of your life with me?

Life is hard right now but most people have been amazing. My self-loathing insists that my colleagues resent me and my friends think less of me. The bitchslap is that the only people I have in my life are my colleagues and friends. Yet I feel like I am pushing them all away. Sigh.

I just need love. Or biscuits.