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Personal Development

A flippant comment I made to a friend the other day got me thinking. With porn easier to get than ever before, has this always been the case for me?

I had a good, hard think about this subject matter and, after I had recovered, realised that this kind of thing starts very early. Before any sort of sexual awakening I found that the most fascinating and enlightening book in my parents' bookshelf was the dictionary. Blackadder had it so right (series 2 episode 2 for the geeks out there).

The main purpose of the dictionary would be to look up dirty words. I remember it well.

Erection

Breast

Penis

Vagina

Scrotum

Stiffy (it wasn't there but we still looked)

It was all harmless fun and they are all funny words but the intention was clearly TITilation.

This all occurred around the time of our initial development classes in primary school. We went through a period of videos from the seventies detailing what was about to happen to our bodies and how we shouldn't be scared because its all very natural. As natural as it supposedly was they still had to illustrate it by drawings. You will never see a penis/vagina less natural and more "perfect" than when its drawn in pencil. The overriding memory of these films is that of girls using hand mirrors in a way that I'd never thought of before and that there are certain times when they can't go swimming.

So, a couple of years pass. My first moment of "personal time" is unspectacular, memorable mainly by the wet dream that preceeded it and the many wet dreams that followed it (some in uncomfortable circumstances).

First two porn films I saw? Flesh Gordon (yes, it is exactly what you think it is. It's fun 'cos the spaceship is shaped like a penis) and some video I assume was ordered from the back of a certain Sunday newspaper. First porn mags I found? I won't name the brother but I found a goldmine hidden in a briefcase in an drawer under his bed. I remember all of these as they were yesterday.

So at this point I'm embarrassed by my own fervent needs. I get embarrassed by any mention of sex, masturbation, porn etc. (even though I had to sit through the Buddha of Suburbia with my parents in the room). So what happened? People talked about it. I talked about it. I knew it was ok.

We move on to the subject of older brothers. In many ways I'm lucky that I had older brothers because as a quite introverted child I would never have actually gone out to seek proper porn. If it weren't for the stashes in the Divan beds and wardrobes of my bros I may be a normal person!

So. We move on, we have relationships, they develop. To the outside world the loss of my virginity is truly unspectacular (although one of the most amazing nights of my life) but it suddenly puts a very different perspective on porn. Please note that at this point I did not really have the internet. My idea of sex had come from magazine images.

Porn became a true force in society when the internet grabbed the masses. Gone were the days of finding mags in a park bush. Gone were the days of restrictions. Gone were the days of satisfaction when you raided your brother's room. Got the gear, had a wank, and returned it all before he got back.

It was better to earn it.

A tale of woe...

Tiredness is one thing. Fatigue is another. The feelings caused by genuine insomnia is another world completely.

So, lets break up this tension with some nonsense...

True story. When I was 18/19 my mate and I used to work in a nightclub. This rendered our Wednesday, Friday and Saturday nights as non free time. So we used to go out on pub crawls most Sundays. All good. Pubs were nice and quiet, we could chat and guarantee our time at a darts board or pool table. All good.

One Sunday close to xmas (and I remember it well) we decided, probably in an ironic sense, that we would go and see SpiceWorld: The Movie. Great. A couple of pints, a trip to Bath and a good ole heckle of a shit film.

Well. What happened was that we got to the train station and realised we'd just missed our train. No problem - we had plenty of time and could easily get the next. We decided (the begin of our downfall) that we would get a cheeky drink in then catch the next train.

First mistake. We overran our estimated drinking time (and this was back in  the day that we could both drink quickly) and, eventually, couldn't be arsed to go to Bath. Certainly not if the intended goal was SpiceWorld the effing Movie.

Anyhoo, much of the next few hours escapes me (for some reason) but I believe we ended up in The Crown during the Superbowl (I may be conflating this with another piss-up).

On our journey home we happened upon a local garden centre. Call it Hi-jinx, call it frivolity, call it theft (as the police suggested) but we found ourselves having very childish fun at the expense of said garden centre. I'm talking army rolls, shouting and generally being dicks.

We realised that we may not have been completely in the right when we saw annoyed neighbours who were clearly about to call the police. And so they did.

As inebriated as we were we had the presence of mind to understand our predicament. We ran. We ran and we ran and we ran. In hindsight it was about 200m.

We found ourselves in Trowbridge cricket ground hiding between the conifers. Hyped up and full of, well, beer. We stayed there and stayed there and stayed there. For so very long.

As it turns out it wasn't that long. The second we left the cricket ground we got picked up.

Spent the night in the cells banging on pipes as if we knew morse code. We were told to shut up or we'd be "moved to Swindon".

Anyhoo, no charges brought, walked out about 9ish in the morning. The most annoying part of the whole affair is that if we'd stayed in the cells for another hour we'd have got a full English breakfast.

Moral of the story? If you're gonna do something bad make it just bad enough to ensure you get breakfast. Or go to Wetherspoons.

Another year? Another sigh (a good sigh).

I'm another year older and suppose I should do a summary of my year.

Out of deference to Charlie Brooker's series' titles (Screenwipe, Gameswipe, Weeklywipe and Newswipe) I will call this:

Arsewipe.

This year has been the most up and down of all my years. I've hit the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Those that know me well will understand what I mean when I say low. Within the year I have both lost faith in people and regained that faith. In sum, I have consistently posted here and that has been a huge factor in my "rehabilitation".

So, relationships. Due to my physical follies of last and this year I have a bit more self-confidence. I've had a girlfriend who I fell for and who subsequently shut me down. Still don't get it but, then again, don't really think about it.

Continuing the physical nonsense I am signed up for a marathon in about a month. If I'm still posting on the 2nd of November then I'm still alive!!! Looking forward to it. Not the event but I really enjoy the training.

Within my last year I have taken my bro as a lodger. Further from that I've taken in a new, awesome bloke, Milo, He has taught me well in the ways of Zen!

In sum, ultimately I think I am happier and more content with life than I ever have been. I may not have fulfilled my dreams but I have worked out my place in the world.

Scottish Independence: The aftermath

Due to a sore throat and incessant coughing I was prevented in getting meaningful sleep on Scotland's Independence Day. Maybe it was the coughing and maybe it was the chills going through my spine due to the promises made to Scotland by the UK government about further powers. Powers above and beyond those of England, Wales or N.I.

It seems to me in my probably ignorant/naive view that a, a country should have its right to determine its own destiny. b, a country should have the right to govern its people, set policy, distribute finances etc in the way it sees fit without control or coercion from another. c, a union of nations, such as the UK can be a wonderful thing. d, If the countries in that union do not have equality of power then it will only serve as a divisive wedge between them.

What sent a chill to my spine was in the hours after the referendum's results' certainty when I saw Nigel Farage's smug, punchable face making full mileage out of the poorly thought out plea-bargain made by Cameron et al. He knew that the British public would not be happy about the government giving out further powers without so much as a by-your-leave.

Farage is a dick. But he does seem to be a fantastic salesman. He finds out what the biggest problem his customer has and exploits it until he has got his vote. It doesn't matter that what he is actually selling is a massive shite sandwich made up of insular islander mentality laced with, at best, healthy jingoism/xenophobia and, at worst, massive racism.

Cameron et al need to get on this because the next election is next year and I see a massive shock on the cards. And this would be worse than either result from the Scottish referendum.

Me. Trial by computer.

Just for a bit of fun I've signed up for a free local dating website. Y'know get back on the horse. The one I've used has also used heuristic software to sum you up. This is what it said (BTW I answered all of the questions absolutely truthfully). It is frighteningly accurate:

Aaron848 Relationship Chemistry Test Results

Self-Confidence

As someone with high self-confidence, you feel quite comfortable interacting with other people. Indeed, you find the company of others very stimulating and enjoy meeting new people. Your relaxed demeanor in groups makes people around you comfortable too. Perhaps because you feel comfortable talking about yourself, others tend to enjoy being around you and perceive you as socially competent.

The confidence that helps you feel comfortable talking to people also spills into your own personal beliefs about yourself. Although you have several strengths, it’s likely that you also acknowledge and accept your weaknesses. But unlike some people, you take full responsibility for your actions—you rarely regret things you’ve done in the past and are not embarrassed easily.

Perhaps the defining feature that sets you apart from most people is the exceptionally high standards that you set for yourself. Your competence in social gatherings as well as at work should provide ample evidence for this. With these characteristics, it’s very likely that people come to you for advice and generally think of you as someone with leader-like qualities.

Family Orientation

As someone who is oriented to familial matters, you value the company of family-members and domestic life. If you have children already, you enjoy spending time with them very much and work hard to be a good parent. If you don’t have children, you very much desire having children in the future. And your preference for cooking and entertaining guests at home will likely ease the transition into parenthood.

You take pride in maintaining and cultivating a healthy family and work hard to achieve this. This natural tendency is easily illustrated by your preference for doing things around the house as opposed to going out to clubs and restaurants.

What really sets you apart from people that are low in family orientation is that you know how to manage your frustrations and work well on your own. This means that you are well-equipped to manage a family without letting all the work that is involved wear you down. However, as someone with strong family values, all the work that is involved in maintaining a tidy home and well-stocked kitchen might occasionally make it difficult for you to finish everything that you need to do.

Self-Control

The self-control personality dimension captures the way in which a person regulates and directs him or herself. Being low in self-control can be both good and bad. Occasionally people may be compelled to follow their intuitions and give in to their temptations, and your degree of self-control makes this likely to happen more often than not. This can be good in circumstances where being relaxed and open are important. However, in situations where it is necessary to be focused and careful, you might find that you do or say things that may be inappropriate.

As someone who exerts little control over your actions, you may find that you commit social blunders that might offend other people and get yourself in trouble. For example, if you’re given responsibility to work on a project that requires close attention to detail, you may be likely to overlook important details because you have difficulty staying focused. Consequently, you might feel more comfortable delegating such tasks to other people who are more detail oriented. Being able to recognize such characteristics in yourself and having more detail-oriented people do such tasks could be an effective way to manage your own stress level.

Low self-control may diminish your effectiveness at work. Acting too relaxed can make it difficult for you to focus on projects that require organized sequences of steps or stages. Thus, your ability to accomplish may be inconsistent. Indeed, it’s possible that you might be criticized periodically for being unreliable or unable to “stay within the lines.” Nonetheless, you may still experience many short-lived pleasures and never be thought of as boring.

Openness

As someone high in openness, you have a strong appreciation for beauty, both in art and nature. Indeed, it’s likely that you are easily absorbed in music and art, as well as natural phenomena. Another aspect of your openness is your emotional insight; that is, you probably have good access to and awareness of your own emotions.

Another aspect of the openness dimension is the tendency to think about abstract concepts and ideas. This thinking style may take the form of artistic and metaphorical use of language, and/or music composition or performance. Thus, it is likely that, either in your work or spare time, you enjoy activities that get your “creative juices” flowing.

Your tendency to be open-minded can have advantages and disadvantages. For instance, when there are no clear rules about how to approach a particular problem, your openness makes it easier for you to identify new ways to solve problems that might not be very obvious to people that are not as open as you are. In contrast, you may be bored easily in situations that lack high amounts of intellectual stimulation. In such cases, you might have difficulty excelling on projects that do not provide much stimulation or require much creative thinking.

Easygoingness

Easygoingness refers to one's ability to relax. Based on your score, you appear to “take things as they come” and enjoy having a good time. However, being high in easygoingness also has the potential to produce stress in a number of ways. For example, you may find it difficult to complete tasks thoroughly and efficiently. In this way, being high in easygoingness cannot only make your life difficult, but also the lives of the people around you. Another potential problem with being too high in easygoingness is that it can provide you with gratification in the short-term, but in the long-term provide undesirable consequences.

High easygoingness, even when not seriously destructive, may also diminish your effectiveness at work, for example. You may find it aversive and difficult to put in all the effort that may sometimes be needed to effectively accomplish certain tasks. For this reason, your colleagues might view you as forgetful and unfocused.

How does your personality affect your love life?

With the strong degree of self-confidence that you possess, it’s no surprise that you get along well with most people. Indeed, it’s self-confidence that allows people to feel comfortable interacting with others without feeling insecure and vulnerable. For this reason, you shouldn’t have much difficulty in romance, at least not initially. Your social skills will likely help relieve any anxiety your romantic partners might have on those first few dates. However, over time, the high standards that you have for yourself could potentially frustrate your partner.

Given how much you value family life, you probably get along best with people who share your values and beliefs. In fact, it’s likely that you maintain close connections with members of your immediate and distant family. For this reason, you would probably be most satisfied in a romantic relationship with someone who also values domestic life.

Being in a relationship with someone who enjoys going out to parties and staying-up late at night might be fun, at least initially; yet it’s likely that you will find this tiring over time. Thus, it might be easier and more satisfying for you to develop a long-lasting relationship with a person who also enjoys spending time at home and desires starting a family.

As someone who is more relaxed than most people, you likely get along with most people quite well. Chances are that your friends and colleagues perceive you as lively, fun to be with, and good-humored. When it comes to romance, you’ll likely be attracted to most people. However, your free-spirited nature might make being in a relationship with a person that is more rigid than you difficult because you might perceive the person as being too uptight and controlling.

Your openness probably makes it easy for you to respect and appreciate people that are different from you. However, when it comes to romantic relationships, your openness might make it difficult for you to tolerate people that cannot appreciate diversity as much as you. Therefore, you may be happiest in serious relationships with people that share your open-mindedness. But, your openness might occasionally cause a certain degree of dependency on your end because you may be so open that you easily adopt the preferences and habits of your partners and gradually relinquish things that make you so unique.

Interdependence

Interdependence refers to how much you need dependency or a "couple identity" with your partner.

Your answer pattens suggest that you tend not to become overly dependent on a romantic partner. People scoring like you are comfortable being singled out for praise and rewards, and their personal identity and independence from others is important to them. Therefore, it seems you need a reasonable level of independence in a relationship. This does not mean that you do not desire to be close with a partner. Indeed, when you feel close to someone, this person often becomes an important part of who you are on the inside and you probably like showing off your “couplehood” in public. However, you do not necessarily need to be constantly “joined at the hip” in order to feel connected and secure in a relationship. Bottom line: you need someone who reciprocates a strong feeling of attachment to a partner but who also respects and copes well with the fact that you benefit from a reasonable level of physical and psychological space at times.

Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “interdependency” needs with potential partners:

“Are you the type of person who feels lonely easily? Please explain and share some past experiences of how you coped well or did not cope well”

"When it comes to the time a couple spends together, is quality more important than quantity in your opinion?"

“When you’ve been away from a partner for any length of time, how have you filled that time and found personal fulfillment?”

Intimacy

Intimacy refers to the how much you need emotional closeness with your partner.

You are clearly comfortable with giving and receiving emotional intimacy. You long for emotional closeness and security with a special person, and you tend to be open with a partner in return. That openness includes lessons learned from your past experiences and relationships, extending trust, believing your partner returns your feelings and devotion and being generally comfortable with surrendering yourself to a partner. In fact, you probably would feel uncomfortable if there were serious secrets between you and your partner. Likewise, you probably regard a partner as your best friend and your foremost confidant. There is likely no hesitation discussing current problems or concerns with that person. It also seems that you have realistic expectations for a committed relationship. However, you may find yourself wondering whether your partner’s feelings are equally as strong as yours. Still, people in this scoring range are willing to take the risks associated with being vulnerable on many levels. Bottom line: you need someone who desires and reciprocates intimacy as much as you do.

Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “intimacy” needs with potential partners:

“Have you tended to avoid arguments with past partners or is it more like you to talk about all types of the feelings and concerns you have?”

“Do you think couples should always be open and honest with each other, or are there things that it is okay to hold back?”

“Can you talk and share on an intimate level as well as you listen to a friend in need?”

Self-efficacy

Self-Efficacy refers to your self-image, stability of mood and level of motivation.

People like you are characterized by a strong self-esteem, sense of self and sense of accomplishment. Those who know you best would likely describe you as influential, patient and accepting of others – and calm, cool and collected most of the time. You are content with your personal qualities and feel you are an attractive person. Moreover, you probably have a good sense of control over the events in your life and are decisive in managing your life. In this sense, you likely do not overreact to circumstances as others might do. Rather, people in your scoring range are quite adaptable and are able to maintain a balanced perspective on situations. Additionally, you are also very influential and persuasive with others. Therefore, it is expected that family, friends and acquaintances often come to you for ideas of guidance across a range of issues. You are confident that people who are important in your life understand you, but you also tend to be comfortable not giving in to peer, family and other social pressures. Family is indeed important to you, but their expectations do not strongly influence your life. Instead, people who score like you tend to have their own well-defined ambitions and goals – and may even set specific benchmarks to monitor the progress made toward achievements. Bottom line: you need a partner who is energetic, enthusiastic and has high self-efficacy like you and will support or even participate in your personal and professional interests that feed your sense of identity and accomplishment.

Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “self-efficacy” needs with potential partners:

“To what extent do you need a job or hobbies that allow you to express your energy and creativity?”

“Do you like solving the challenges that work and home life throw at you? Why or Why not? “

“What are some of the best ways to turn around a ‘bad day’?”

Food for Thought! PlentyofFish wants you to know about some idiosyncrasies the assessment identified in you. These are issues for you to contemplate on your own or explore with a professional relationship/dating coach.

Issues you seem to Over-value

I find it pointless to continue working on things that are too difficult for me. Possible reasons you responded this way include negative motivations and positive motivations. On the negative side, it could mean that you are easily frustrated, that you are overly self critical and impatient or that you have little motivation to learn new things or tackle new challenges. On the positive side, it could mean that you are realistic about your limitations, you value time and do not want to waste it or that you seek out alternative solutions to problems.

Relationship readiness

Relationship Readiness refers to how prepared you are emotionally, psychologically and pragmatically for a committed relationship.

You seem to have a good foundation and appear pretty much ready and willing to find a committed relationship. In fact, most people in this scoring range have a clear vision and a sense of purpose for their life. They have the ability to connect with others, they have well defined ideas about where their life is headed and they are assertive and resourceful in meeting their goals. Therefore, you likely feel in control and are able to take charge and go after what you want in life and in a relationship. Your housekeeping is also probably in check – meaning that you do not have any negative baggage that can weigh down a relationship, like financial or legal problems or emotional, health or family issues. As such, you do not seem to be seeking a relationship primarily to fill a void in your life or to gain a feeling of acceptance and belonging that was weakened or lost due to other relationships that ended or disappointed you. Rather, it seems to be that you are striving for a balance in your life and that now includes wanting to offer everything you can to a partner. Bottom line: you need someone who wants a relationship, rather than needs one to feel personally fulfilled.

Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “relationship readiness” needs with potential partners:

“Tell me in what ways you are a happy and successful single”

“Are you truly happy with the way you have lived your life? Explain”

Are there any ways in which you feel your life is not balanced?”

Communication

Communication refers to your approach to interpersonal interactions and level of emotional intelligence.

Effective communicators have strong emotional intelligence, and you seem to fit this description. It is expected that you show considerable tolerance of ambiguity and emotional expression. You are usually extremely sensitive to other’s feelings and to their body language. Those who know you well would probably describe you as patient, open and eager to listen to others. People in this scoring range are also not afraid of making or admitting to mistakes. They consistently and bravely show vulnerability to others. In fact, they are constantly aware how their behavior impacts others. You can communicate your needs and feelings honestly when someone engages you directly, and you can take the initiative and be assertive when needed. However, a defining characteristic of people in this range is that they do not rush to judgment. Rather, they pay attention, listen without jumping to conclusions and then reflect on information before responding. In a sentence, you seek both to understand others and for others to understand you.Bottom line: you need someone who is eager to give, collect and discuss information with you patiently versus communicate with you on superficial levels out of convenience.

Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “communication” needs with potential partners:

“Does the success of a committed relationship take priority over any other aspect of your life?”

“Do those closest to you think that you are an easy person to get to know? Explain”

“If you are sure you are right about something, do you waste time listening to other people’s arguments or viewpoints?”

Food for Thought! PlentyofFish wants you to know about some idiosyncrasies the assessment identified in you. These are issues for you to contemplate on your own or explore with a professional relationship/dating coach.

Issues you seem to Under-value

I always pay attention to people’s body language when talking to them. Possible reasons you responded this way include negative motivations and positive motivations. On the negative side, it could mean that you are not in tune with a person’s body language, that you tend to be self absorbed or that you lack empathy. On the positive side, it could mean that you do not jump to conclusions or that you do not like to focus on negatives but instead seek out positives.

Conflict resolution

Conflict Resolution refers to your stress management and problem solving skills.

Effective conflict resolution has nine general elements: View Conflict as Positive; Address Conflict in the Proper Atmosphere; Clarify Perceptions; Note Needs, not wants; Draw on the Power of a Positive Partnership; Focus on the Future, then learn from the past; Identify Options for Mutual Gain; Develop ‘Doables’ or stepping stones to action; and Make Mutually-Beneficial Agreements. Your score indicates that you are generally strong across all of these basic elements. This suggests that you are very flexible and action-oriented when addressing problems, yet not so eager to find resolution that you settle for quick, temporary agreements. Settling on a temporary agreement is often a way of avoiding conflict, and it can lead to needs not being met. You do not seem to avoid conflict; instead you appear to evaluate the possible solutions and then actively engage your partner to work on a positive outcome that is best for the relationship. In fact, a defining characteristic of people in this scoring range is the capacity to relinquish their control and pride for the greater good and growth of the relationship. Bottom line: you need a partner who is patient, a “big picture thinker” and can relinquish control and pride to make the best decisions for the good and growth of the relationship.

Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “conflict resolution” needs with potential partners:

“In your past relationships, have you felt responsible for your partner’s well being? Explain”

“Is it the case that you can not be happy unless you place your partner’s happiness before your own?”

“What sort of things or situations would you not endure for the sake of your partner or relationship?”

Food for Thought! PlentyofFish wants you to know about some idiosyncrasies the assessment identified in you. These are issues for you to contemplate on your own or explore with a professional relationship/dating coach.

Issues you seem to Under-value

In conflict my reactions are based on how I think the other party perceives me. Possible reasons you responded this way include negative motivations and positive motivations. On the negative side, it could mean that you are self absorbed or egotistical, that you have poor emotional intelligence or that you jump to conclusions. On the positive side, it could mean that you value individuality and independence or that you try not to posture for people.

Sexuality

Sexuality refers to your needs (frequency, boundaries, expressions) related to physical intimacy.

Scientific models of love and attachment always include physical chemistry and sexuality. It is a crucial topic for any couple to address, because it involves issues of control and vulnerability. People at your scoring level have a firm sense of their sexual orientation, preferred sexual activities and comfort level. You like sex that is romantic, adventurous and fun, but for you sex is not a casual event. Sex has great importance in your relationship, and it is reserved for someone you love. You may think your sexual preferences would be viewed as conservative by others, but you are hardly a prude. You tend to be very confident in your sexual ability, you are not self conscious in bed and you are open to try various activities. People in this scoring range are willing to be vulnerable and relinquish control in the bedroom to their partners. In other words, you are not sexually selfish. While you appreciate spontaneity and wild abandon in sex, you also seem to like for sex to be planned to some extent. Most times this probably reflects the fact that you like to set the mood, build anticipation and ensure you have privacy and no interruptions. Bottom line: you need someone who regards sex as a meaningful bond between people in love and who appreciates when it is planned to some extent rather than completely spontaneous.

Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “sexual” needs with potential partners:

“How important to you is preparation for sex? – and under what situations?”

“In your mind, is there any difference between ‘having sex’ and ‘making love’?”

“Do your sexual fantasies tend to involve romantic scenes and anticipation or do they trend to being more about spontaneity and unbridled passion?”

Attitudes toward love

Attitudes Toward Love refers to your level of needs for romantic love and friendship love.

There are two main types of love – Romantic Love and Companionate Love. Romantic Love is passionate, emotional and intense, whereas Companionate Love is a deep, affectionate attachment. People feel these two types of loves to different degrees in a relationship, and the levels of each can fluctuate over time. You scored as someone who may be best described as “a “hopeless romantic with a touch of realist.” This means that you do value the safety, security and comfort of Companionate Love, but for you a relationship must have a strong dose of Romantic Love. In this sense, you desire someone who is on the same wavelength as you –sharing similar attitudes, moods and impulses. It is common for people in this range to view their partner as a soul mate – a person who you were destined to meet and fall in love with. This attitude of “love conquers all” is optimistic and sweet, but it is not productive to remain in a “love daze” and idealize your partner constantly. Seeing a partner and relationship while only wearing rose-colored glasses can prevent you from identifying and addressing problem areas in the relationship. Bottom line: you need someone who satisfies the hopeless romantic in you but who will insist that you take time to get to know each other well before the taking the relationship to next levels.

Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “love attitude” needs with potential partners:

“In choosing a partner, do you believe it is best to love someone with a similar background? Explain”

“If you truly love another person, is that enough to marry or otherwise have a committed relationship with that person?”

“How do you feel about the notion that ‘common interests are really unimportant; as long two people are truly in love, they will adjust’?”

Food for Thought! PlentyofFish wants you to know about some idiosyncrasies the assessment identified in you. These are issues for you to contemplate on your own or explore with a professional relationship/dating coach.

Issues you seem to Over-value

I find it easy to ignore my partner’s faults. Possible reasons you responded this way include negative motivations and positive motivations. On the negative side, it could mean that you do not know well your comfort level and limits, that you compromise on your values or that you view your partner in overly optimistic terms. On the positive side, it could mean that you are not overly critical, that you focus on positives instead of negatives, that you do not put up boundaries or that you are sensitive to your partner’s feelings.

A couple does not need a passionate sex life to be happy. Possible reasons you responded this way include negative motivations and positive motivations. On the negative side, it could mean that you have emotional baggage from past relationships, that you have low self esteem or that you are unclear about your sexual needs. On the positive side, it could mean that you have a realistic view of current life events and circumstances, that you are not preoccupied with sex or that you appreciate other, more intimate levels of connection with a partner.

Preferred Expressions of Affection

Preferred Expressions of Affection refers to your likes and dislikes for different ways a partner can express love and devotion.

There are many ways in which people show affection to their loved ones: physical touch, doing favors, spending time together, giving gifts or communicating love through words. Statistically, you gave higher weighted ratings to the gift of Time. Bottom line: You need someone who can express affection and show you are a priority by spending time with you – such as simply talking and cuddling at home, taking leisurely strolls outside or extended road trips.

Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “affection” needs with potential partners:

“Have you ever taken off work early to spend some special with your partner or a loved one?”

“Have past partners consistently complained that you would frequently call to say you were running late for a date?”

“How much alone time during the week do you need with a partner to feel satisfied?”

Out of the various modes of expressing affection, Physical Touch received lower weighted ratings from you. Bottom line: This does not necessarily mean that you neither like nor need to be touched. Rather, it suggests that you need someone who can show affection in ways other than just physical contact – such as frequent tickles, constantly holding hands, public hugs and kisses or light touches as s/he passes by.

Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “affection” needs with potential partners:

“How do you flirt physically with a partner and how often do you like to?”

“Do you like to act like a kid and playfully wrestle or have a tickle or pillow fight with a partner?”

“How comfortable are you with PDAs (Public Displays of Affection) and which kinds?”

A century. Let's celebrate with stats!

Ok. So my last post brought up the 100 post mark so thought I'd provide you with some boring stats.

By far and away Blogging = Jogging = Interet Dating = Working is my most popular post. Really not sure why.

Other notable inclusions include my favourite, Anatomy of a job interview and Scottish Independence which is surprisingly high considering I posted it last night

 Posting source countries is a very close battle between the UK and USA. Highly commended is Ukraine:

Just one more stat and it comes with a quiz question. Which of these OS's have you heard of?

Scottish independence. From one Englishman/Brit/European/Northern Hemispherist/Western Hemispherist/Human

I understand the arguments. I think. The fog (appropriate for a debate on Scotland) that has clouded many issues, though, is getting no clearer. 

The one thing that has struck me is the rest of the UK's apathy towards Scotland's wanting to leave. Now, myself, I'm not the militant type, but I am fully aware that those people are out there. I am astonished that the EDL or similar-type activist group hasn't started a YES campaign of their own on THIS side of the border. It tells me one thing. The rest of us couldn't give a shit. We are probably stronger together but we don't want you about if you are going to mess up the party.

My biggest fear about a split is that it would be anti-democratic for both countries. England would have generations of Tory-ruled governance, without opposition; Scotland would have the Hobson's choice of eternal Labour or the SNP. 

I'm still trying to work out who will ultimately benefit from a split. My fear is that it will be the people in power, Westminster AND Holyrood, and not the people it affects.

Game of What the F***

So I'm coming to the end of the 1st episode of Game of Thrones and feel that some very genereic commentary is needed.

Love it. The 1st 15 mins provided me with the boom that I needed to get me engaged. 15 mins after that I got my first proper nudity. Get in. Lots of death, lots of hedonism, lots of subjugation of women. Just because I enjoy the show doesn't mean I agree with its moral standpoint, though!

Loving the fat Sean Bean and the fact that most of the actors are pig ugly. I may have got this  wrong but there seems to be one male member who is attractive and speaks like a yank! Double you, Tee, Eff.

I was given a sage piece of advice from a mate and that was to not get too attached to the purdy ladies as they will almost certainly be killed. Brutally.

I'm ok with that. I will just imagine them being my ex-girlfriends.

To Infinity and Beyond....

Ok, I'm back. With the usual semi-funny posts (he-he I said semi), ridiculous sitcom and film references, slightly funny one-liners and running training updates (Amsterdam 2014 ain't far away). You may get some social commentary. You may get some sporting analysis. You will definitely get some tv reviews.

Some potential titles of future posts

• The story of how Scientology buggered me (and how I was raped by L. Ron Hubbard)
• The death of the apochryphal tale
• My Ex girlfriends and other animals
• Judge Rinder v Judge Judy
• Cramp. Why did God allow it?
• Why God doesn't exist.
• Mary Berry. I know. But I still probably would.

Speaks for itself

I promise I will never do this again...

Time to be honest. As this probably won't be the funniest post I'll ever make I'll try to put some random naughty words in to keep people entertained. Special prize for anyone who gets the hidden one.

I understand that depression is different for BOOOBS everyone and so anything that I say is only limited to me.

I want to prefix this post by explaining that, although I haven't yet managed to get any counselling, I have had a lot of success BUM with the self help of being open and honest with everything.

Oh, where to start.

I'm tired. So very tired. I've had recent periods of time where sleep wasn't even an option. Fight Club had it correct. "Everything is a copy of a copy of a copy". I've dealt with insomnia FANNY HAIR since I was about 18. You wake up and then you stay up. You stay up until you finally crash. then you wake up and stay up. You never catch up. Sometimes feeling a warm body next to you can help but, for many reasons, BELLEND that won't happen soon.

I'm tired. And my sense of humour finds it harder and harder to fight off the demons who plague us. My lethargy stops me exercising (which affects me most of all).

The drugs do work. I sleep a little better DICKSPLASH and what I'm naturally feeling is clearly blocked and replaced by what I should be feeling. You have no idea how this makes me feel - largely because I cannot describe it. The tears in my eyes tells me that I might RIMMING need to change the medication. Again.

I wanted to make this a long post EJACULATE but this is enough (long enough without proper jokes).

What the **** were you searching for?

Very quick post to show you something I just noticed. One of the great things that blogger/blogspot does is tell you what people have typed into their search engines and subsequently clicked on my blog.

As of now these are the searches that have done so. They speak for themselves:

Win it Cook it Screw it Lose it

Never one to shy away from a review of a new cookery show, Win it Cook it made it's way onto our screens yesterday.

I am a massive fan of Simon Rimmer (he's Simon Simon Simon Rimmer without him life would be much dimmer) (some people will appreciate that reference). Loved him on Something for the Weekend, Sunday Brunch and his one appearace on Fighting Talk.

But. He should be a chef, first, and presenter, second. I like that he's branched out to do other things because he's a talented guy. But when you have to pull in another chef (the lovely Glyn Purnell) to do your food analysis you need to have a look at where your bread is buttered.

Anyhoo. The show itself I'm not sure about. What clearly happened was that a group of execs got together at C4 and said "welll...we've got this late afternoon slot going and we need to fill it. What do people who are watching at that time want to see?". "Countdown?". "Nah, that's on earlier". "Secret Eaters?". "Nah, old people don't care about their diet". "So, what've we got? Cooking, quizzing, that's what we'll do!!!"

So that's what they did. They combined Ready Steady Cook with a random daytime quiz. It may become ok with a less X-factor style background track and once they have all calmed down. But my experience with this kind of show does not bode well.

For shame, Rimmer.

BTW the one moment of humour was near the end when Glyn Purnell appeared to say "Fish Dick". Hurr.

Random update...A review of the Race Forever may follow soon.

Various bits of good, bad and random news are going on with my life.still not sure.

Bad news? I've split up with Sarah. Good news? I've split up with Sarah. Now this may sound flippant but I think it is ultimately best for both of us. What I don't understand is why it happened. Did she cheat? Certainly most of what she said has suggested she did. But I also prefer to live in a world where that didn't happen.

I'm also on youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67L_T9ieXuU. I'm the fat guy on the left in the blue shirt.

I'm back getting properly involved with Facebook. Found lots of friends, blocked certain ex-girlfriends (see above). My point is that I'm getting involved with FB on MY terms. I never used to be able to expouse that self-restraint. FT316 is my favourite page and I have made some good contributions.

Also had my Occupational health call today. I wanted to go back to work tomorrow but the lovely welsh lady told me I had to stay off until the 5th August. Oh well. But I'm so fucking bored. See you all then, I guess.

BTW Peter Hitchins really is that much of a dick. Nicky Campbell is surprisingly OK. TBQ biscuits are lovely.

The race forever...

This was meant to be a post about how I was finally turning the corner. Don't get me wrong. It is. But over the last 36 hrs all manner of shit has gone down.

1: The pills have finally kicked in properly. I may be back at work on Monday, maybe Tuesday. All I know is that I will NOT be getting another note (I am SO fucking bored - being able to recount the entire Red Dwarf script is one thing. Being able to do the same with the Father Dowling Mysteries is quite another).

2: I finally have my "therapy" appointment all sorted out. I'm comfortable with therapy. Makes me a bit closer to Hollywood (?!?!)

3: Sarah and I have split up. Although I technically did the deed it was her that wanted us over. Ah well, such is life.

4:My ex (Laura) has told me that my son is asking about me. She has asked me for an email to send to him. Duly done.

No. As personal as this blog is, I will not publish any of those emails.

The corner was turned by the end of point 1. Corner turned and now I feel like I'm speeding down the highway of the race forever (Choose your own Adventure fans will appreciate that reference).

Celeb Masterchef...Pffft

Enjoying the current series of Celeb Masterchef.

Plus points:

The introduction of a "relay" in last night's semi. Two teams of three get 20mins to do an invention test whilst hoping the next person can carry the baton and continue the dish. Either continue it or improve it.

The idea that a team containing Biggins and Wayne Sleep are the "boys". Charley Boorman must have enough testosterone to make up the difference.

Redefining insanity. For me, the definition of insanity is now baking (yes, baking!) for the WI. Yes, they seem like a nice bunch elderly of women who get together periodically to swap recipes and knit. Do you know what? That description is literally like saying The Spanish Inquisition liked to sit you down for a cup of tea and a nice chat.

Jodie Kidd. Think she will win it. But it is close.


The annoyances:

The ousting of Millie...Whoever. Ok, she had a poor round. But I think she showed enough potential and actual knowledge to win it.

The realisation the Chrissie Biggins has clearly had written into his contract that he had to be referred to as "Biggins". I didn't think that until I saw on the menu that was provided clearly said just "Biggins". I think he was the first of the great divas. BTW if you feel like putting this into the positives column I won't think any less of you.

The insistence in the promos that this might be the greatest cbc (Celeb MasterChef). Now, I understand you have to big it up to secure another season. But don't lie to us. As Judge Judy would say "Don't pee on my leg and tell me its raining". I will give you a list of people who prove it is not the greatest. (attempt at chronological order, but, will probably get that wrong):

Matt Dawson
Andi Peters (He was the greatest shock of all)
Danny Mills (Another travesty)
Phil Vickery
Janet Street Porter (I said she'd win it unless they brought in a ringer. Then this guys rocks up...)  
Ade Edmundson (Booya)

I'm starting to want to switch the life-support machine of Celeb Masterchef off. It is kept around for people to look at, not get involved and asking "Who is stinking up the place?"

The flatline would be the greatest ever thing to incorporate into the theme tunes...

Stupidity...

How do you have sex with cheese?

Caerphilly.

Right. I'm really bored now. Just watching Pointless (yes the irony didn't escape me just like the elderly viewers of Countdown) and have become incandescent with rage. 5 pics of David Fincher films. Big fan of Fincher. Well, the first half of his career. The second half can go suck it.

I shockingly missed the second in my all time list - Se7en - thinking that it might be Sleepers (yes, I mistook Gywneth Paltrow for Minnie Driver. No, I agree. You tell me.). In my defence (of which there is none) my tv is really small. I can't see these picture clues well.

Fincher now officially annoys me. I may or may not have done a previous post on him but I have new information (information that indicates that no, I don't wiki or IMDB, but I do use Pointless for my points of reference). The reason he annoys me is that he started his career so beautifully. Fight Club. Se7en. Two of my top 3  all time films. I feel the need to digress. My third favourite is True Romance.

Now I realise that all three contain Brad Pitt. Oh yes. Shit just got real. I am not, and never have been, gay (previous potential exes may disagree). I don't think that he is a particularly good actor (although Moneyball is excellent, largely because of Pitt's performance. Personally I think it is mostly due to Jonah Hill. As an aside he seems to be like Jim Carrey but with foresight).

Oh yeah Fincher. Cunt. 'parently did one of the alien films. Didn't know. I liked Zodiac. Hated Panic Room. Se7en and Fight Club are works of true genius. You want a critical analysis of either of these films? Just ask (hurh I just said "Anal"). Oh, also, The Game is Michael Douglas' greatest moment in film. It would be Basic Instinct but his acting performance is shadowed by the glare cast by Sharon Stone's <insert own witty euphemism>.

An excerpt from one of my top 3 films

The greatest scene in film history.

From about 6:50? The acceptable face of racism.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3yon2GyoiM

My attempt at being clever... Epic fail

The study of philosophy and suicide has been genuinely interesting. There are a few items that have given me much food for thought. They are all out of copyright so you should find them all for free with a quick google search (and, believe it or not, none of them are porn. I only say that because most of my google searches end up with me watching porn*.

Ok, first up is the misleadinlgy depressing-sounding "On the Suffereing of the World" by Schopenhauer (a philospher that I sought out ENTIRELY because he was given a cursory reference in Monty Python's Meaning of Life (personally, my favourite of the MP films in no small part due to the greatest song ever - Every Sperm is Sacred - and, just before this, the line "The meaning of life part 2. The Third World. Yorkshire")). Just as a quick aside my old Entertainment Manager used to have a standard joke "I know there are people from up north in tonight as at the bar I heard the Yorkshire War-cry - How Much?!?!)

Anyhoo, I digress. "On the Suffering of the World" begins by stating the only true option any of us have is suicide. He quickly dismisses this and goes on to discuss aesthetics of our idea of being and how it differs from its practicality.

No, seriously, its quite interesting.

I will move quickly on to something that is much more accessible. Camus' essay on the myth of Sisyphus is a sentiment to which we can all relate. The original story was that this guy, Sisyphus, was being punished by the Gods for being a general dick. Or something. His punishment was to have to push a boulder up a hill, let it roll down, then start again. As an aside it is at this point the ancient greeks' penchant for homo-eroticism is clear as all artists' representations of Sisyphus make him appear ripped! Seriously. Not gay.

Camus took this story and suggested that the eternally punished were happy. For all of the toil he gives, for the few seconds that he is at the top, before he trudges down he has the respite, seeing the beauty of creation. It describes that Sisyphus' struggle is not that far from our own.

Finally, I offer Plato's Laches. An exposition on the true nature of courage. These three works should be prescribed before anti-depressants. This probably explains why I'm not a doctor.

I've been blogging probably a bit too much recently so may calm it down (may not. Not sure). I'm waiting for the day I say something that is too far gone to be defensible and I no longer "have" to do it (seriously, I've done that on purpose on a Facebook forum. Just don't ask). My struggle feels a little like Sisyphus'. I type and type and type just for that moment when someone says to themselves "hurh".

Seriously. Not gay.

*This is not strictly true as it has been many years since I needed Google to help me find porn. It is technically true, however, as my browser is Google chrome

Boredom. The silent killer...

It may please some of you to know that I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Proper honesty:

There have been a couple of reasons for this turn around. None of which include interaction with people. I have blogged. Clearly. I've kind of blogged my way out of trouble. Like when Jamie Carragher used to twat someone in lieu of an effective tackle, then look at the ref as if to say "what did I do, ref?"

The other reason has been less influential but just as important.

I grew up on a diet of american sitcoms, feel-good movies and musicals. I could truly be used as a subject in a case study into the idea that homosexuality is not a product of your influences. I grew up knowing that the good-looking blonde guy would always get the chick, no matter how much of an arsehole he was. I knew that the fit cheerleader would always get the hot guy no matter how much of an arsehole she was.

I grew up knowing that the underdog will always win and that the ugly guy is surprisingly clever and likeable. I grew up knowing that a certain amount of arrogance is acceptable but a touch too much makes you the villan.

It has honestly been a long struggle because I have always been a massive child (at one point that was literally true). To depart from the values you held for so long, that were ingrained, is tough. You want to leave the bad bits behind but you don't really want to change yourself so inexorably that you lose the parts of you that you like.

I have blogged, yes. But I have also spent a lot of time listening to the soundtrack of Avenue Q. It kind of bridges the gap between the lie we are all told as kids and the reality we learned to accept.

I feel like I have gone through puberty again.

"I wish I could go back to College" contains sentiments to which we all can relate.
"There's a fine, fine line" beautifully describes the end of a relationship and is a very mature reaction to it.
"For Now" sets out a realistic representation of how we should approach life.

I will keep blogging and keep getting better. Read it, don't read it. I don't care. It has been a long time since I cared whether anyone clicked here.

Seriously, not gay.

Respite. Me style.

Over the last few days I've done some serious blogs. So, to lighten the mood, some "comedy".

Middle lane drivers eh? Grrr (shakes fist). Women parking? Grrrr (fist is tired from the previous shaking so I merely imply a shake. Like an old man at a urinal. Buh-dum ch)! My mother in law is so fat she was the before picture on the Subway commercial (I genuinely just made that up!). It's funny because i haven't got a mother in law.

It is from true pain and suffering that we derive our beauty. History bears this out. I'm obviously not referring to the above nonsense but lets see how this comes out. The obvious place to start is Wlfred Owen, Siegfried Sasson and the other great war poets. Classical music also supports this - the great works of Smetana (Ma Vlast), Weber and Wagner have all come from times of strife in their homelands whereas others use personal grief to help express themselves. Van Gogh is well know to have suffered, and, more contemporarily, we have the genius of Winehouse, Kobain, George Best and Zippy (who, as we all know, spunked a fortune on hookers and killed himself by having a particularly hot wash and forgetting to go in the tumble drier).

We all choose our place of solace. I find mine in a certain part of my head. A place where I can hide from the scary unicorns and piercing rainbows.Somewhere I am free to consider the possibility of bad grammar, dirty looks and anal fisting. Without the pain we cannot have the respite. Without the tears we cannot have our eyes opened again. Without the respite we cannot have the beauty. You will agree with this as soon as you stop reading and you think "thank fuck that's over".

One day all of our worlds will end and it is with hope that the world is a little better for me having left it.    

Again with this shit... The song to which I refer is "There's a fine, fine line" from Avenue Q

I hope I can find the strength to make this my last contact with you. 

I wanted to share a song with you that I've probably shared with you before. Some bits are about you and some about me. I'll leave you to decide which is which.

All I ever ask is please don't hate me. I think the main reason you don't want to be with me is that I'm just a scared child. 

Another new post that was an email to a (now) ex g/f

Hi (babe/s doesn't really sound appropriate right now)

I apologise in advance for the excessive use of parenthisis, commas, colons, dashes etc.

I also apologise for the fact I am writing this to you knowing it will be posted on my blog. It is my hope and wish that it might make a couple of blokes at Capita go "Huhhh, yeah he's right there".

I wanted to give you a final email to sum up and give my take (/commentary) on what we've been through.

You are amazing. I love you and everyone who reads my blog or has spoken to me in the last few months (especially Scott and Milo) knows this is the case. To this day this fact has not changed. General constructs of language dictates I should put a "but.." in there but I will not. I love you. You speak to me in a way that I can appreciate and respect. I truly apologise If I ever come across as if I'm speaking down to you (I asked you to give me examples which, I understand, is an example of me speaking down to you!!!) but I speak to you as an equal. You are by far and away the most intelligent g/f I have ever had.

we have had some hard times (very) recently. I'll sum it up slightly different than before. You loved me. Your crime was that you loved me. I don't know how you feel now. The punishment for your crime was that you had to be with me. You wanted to know everything about me? I told you. I started by talking about Luke and the reasons I cannot see him. I went on to my parents and have gone on to answer any question you have (and many you didn't ask).

I went on to meet you (yes, this IS the timeline!) and fell so head-over-heels in love with you that, at the weekend I asked you to marry me. I can guarantee you didn't expect it because I didn't expect it!

In the few months we spent together I got to know and love your kids. Jake's beautiful cheekiness, Olly's innocence and caring, Zach's leadership and Beth's strength of character. I have tried to guide them the right way and you, to your credit, accepted my help.

You said Yes. All my christmasses and birthdays had come at once. I even phoned your dad to ask his permission! If you ask ANY of my exes they will tell you that's not the kind of thing I do! Really!

The last few days have been hell. After a couple of days of you ignoring me (pretty much) and a few days without sleep and feeling as bad as I ever have I sent you a suicide note. I thought it was the, erm, polite thing to do. But that's not how you took it.  

You decided to go on the offensive. Fine. That's up to you. You left me. Again, your right and privilege. I suppose the whole reason for this post is this question. Is the only reason for you leaving me the fact that I opened up with a suicide note?

This is probably too personal...

I've done this  on my other blog and have found it saves time. Below is an email I sent to my g/f that says pretty much what I wanted to post here. Anyone who can tell me where my quote was from receives a prize. The prize is a round of applause that you won't hear:

Hi babe,

First things first.This is probably going to be a looooong email but at no point will it be, or is intended to be, a "Dear John" letter. Just me putting random thoughts on "paper".

Second things second. I love you. Nothing will ever change that.

It's tough to know where to start. But that is simply because I'm sending you this for no actual reason other than me being bored, frustrated, tired etc.

So let's start with something easy and nice. A simple (rhetorical) question - Do you have any idea how much I loved the kisses we shared on Monday morning? I felt the full softness and beauty of your face and your lips. Whatever happens in the future (and I have no reason to think it would be anything bad) I will never regret asking you to marry me. You are more perfect than you will ever realise. It would be an honour and a privilege to be able to call you my wife.

Something maybe less nice. But very honest.

Monday morning I spent at least half of the train journey in tears. I have no idea why. Maybe because I was listening to the emotional songs of avenue q. Maybe because I missed you. Maybe because life is very hard for me right now. Probably a combination of the three. In what has become my emotional state for the last couple of days ( exacerbated by my lack of sleep) I have managed to overreact to you not speaking to me (n.b. I'm still not sure I did overreact but when I look at myself from  the outside I see that it may be the case).

I've been thinking about suicide a lot. I'm not even going to try to lie about it. I have enough paracetmol in my bedroom to floor a Rhinoceros. I don't think I will go anywhere near it, though. I know that your love will see me through. "I have known what it is to have the love of a good woman." 

Life is hard right now. I don't know how to deal with it. I wouldn't think any less of you if you didn't want to deal with it. But, and this is probably the sub-conscious reason for this email, do you truly want to spend the rest of your life with me?

Life is hard right now but most people have been amazing. My self-loathing insists that my colleagues resent me and my friends think less of me. The bitchslap is that the only people I have in my life are my colleagues and friends. Yet I feel like I am pushing them all away. Sigh.

I just need love. Or biscuits.