Haloween Redux. Short and sweet

Things you SHOULDN’T do when answering the door to the average 7 year-old trick-or-treater

• ·         Ask the kid if they have a nut allergy then swap the Minstrels for Revels. Only a matter of time 
• ·         Invite them in and tell them how your life went wrong – a true horror story
• ·         Invite them in and tell them how their life WILL go wrong (see above)
• ·         Invite them in and convert them to paganism. They should practice what they preach
• ·         Invite them in
• ·         Only put blunt razor blades in their apples so they “get the message”
• ·         Ask for their phone number

God bless the Pagans

Typing in the dark is a painful process. I am not doing this in order to test my touch-typing skills (a test I would have roundly failed). This is the situation in which I find myself - cowering in my cave so the trick-or-treaters just keep on walking when they see that the lights are off. My foam roller has gone at the base of my living room door just to ensure no light from my laptop suggests proof of life. It is a feeling reminiscent of living in my former flat.

October 31st is a strange day. It is the birthday of greats such as Indira Ghandi, Lord of the Rings director Peter Jackson and, of course, romantic poet John Keats.

It is also the only day the mafioso influence is instilled in our children. In fact, the protection ring is encouraged by parents and the high-street. Kids go out and demand stuff. If they don't get it, you will pay.

The strangest thing of all is that parents endorse their children going out, on their own, in the dark, to ask strangers for sweets.

Now, back in my day you had to offer sweets to the kids to get them to 'talk' to you (Meowooaarrow. Charlie says... etc.). Another way was 'seeing puppies' or 'fixing a leaky tap'. Just so you know THESE ARE THE THINGS I WAS WARNED ABOUT. NOT WHAT I DID. OR DO.

In recent years there has been a massive wind change. The apparent over-protective nature of parents goes out of the window when you actually look at what happens. My entire (15 minute) journey home was absolutely peppered with teams of kids (most really young, most unescorted). Maybe people don't read the Daily Mail. Or they missed Gary Glitter's blog.

Like so much, maybe I just don't understand. Maybe, for some parents, the idea of free sweets outweighs the threat of paedophila. I'm just kidding. You're good people.

Wow. This entry went very differently to how I thought it would. I assumed I would be naming it "You Can't Libel The Dead" and revert to some puerile jokes about Saville and Jackson.

Don't worry. I'll try to make my next one funnier. Probably with bullet-points

Personal growth (epilogue)

How many unmitigated disasters are there really? Poll tax? Maybe. New Coke? Perhaps. The cream suits worn by Liverpool's 1996 FA cup final team? Definitely.

My interview can now go down in the annals (yes, 2 n's) of history as a genuine unmitigated disaster. I don't want to go into details but I left the feedback session today feeling as if I'd just been hit by the perfect storm of coughing fit and explosive diarrhoea -  wherever you stand you are going to get covered.

Needless to say I didn't get it but I always try to see the positives. After hosing myself down I can finally get a good nights' sleep and forget about it; vomiting is no longer my default stomach-state and the palpitations that dictated my breathing have been replaced by weary sighs. Nosebleeds continue.

I was thinking about drawing on some of the great literary and philosophical minds to console me. Surely Wilfred Owen has something from his war experience that can help. Shakespeare dealt with rejection on an act by act basis. Maybe Plato's Laches can offer me some perspective of true courage and nobility.

No. Right now the only sources I want to consult are the later films of Eddie Murphy. Just to remind me I used to be good and it all went wrong ending up with me sleeping with a Spice Girl (we've all done it).

It is good to have moments like this, when the wounds are still exposed and very raw. Maybe in a day or two I'll remember why.

   

Anatomy of a job interview

Things I probably shouldn’t have done in my interview:

• ·         Entered to Ravel’s Bolero
• ·         Immediately eaten all of the biscuits (there were 54)
• ·         Answered questions with questions. “Why do you think you would be right for this role? “ “Why do YOU think I would be right for this role?”
• ·         Picked up the interviewer on his grammar every time he used a preposition at the end of a sentence
• ·         Given a detailed analysis of how beating a hooker in Grand Theft Auto demonstrates the difference between waterfall and agile methodologies (Venn diagrams were included)
• ·         Asked the interviewer outside when I thought he said he did my mum (he actually asked what I did for fun)
• ·         Used interpretive dance for three of my answers
• ·         Recounted the story of how I lost my virginity without prompting
• ·         Used my Admiral Akbar impression in lieu of any qualifications
• ·         Spent the whole interview  trying to use the phrase “Banana Hammock” . And succeeding. Four times.

Personal Growth pt2

It is 10 o'clock and I want to throw up. The mighty Spurs have won (albeit unconvincingly) and this is genuinely the most nervous I have been since my last audition (14 years ago). There are many reasons why I KNOW I won't get the job.

An average heart-rate of about 95  (no joke) is not a good thing. I will walk into the office at about 3am and, by then, hopefully be a bit calmer (at that point I will have already done a 5 mile run. Seriously).

I will really not mind if I don't get the job. I just want to give a good account of myself. I feel more accountable to myself, and it is not often that I get this kind of 1 on 1 time with my bosses (well, time that isn't suffixed with a smart-arsed quip).

I DO look good in my suit, though.

Personal Growth

Although my supermarket shopping trips do seem like a random meander between aisles there is a definite logic and hierarchy in play. The hierarchy is as follows:

1. Bargains  
2. Cakes

That's it.

So when I walk past a cake display and a pack of 5 (yes, count 'em, 5) doughnuts are reduced to 16p well, that is like catnip to my kind. 

This is what has just occurred and I consider it an unequivocal victory that I walked past without even a closer inspection (although I did do a double take and parting was such sweet sorrow that I had to wipe a tear away with a nearby croissant).   

Now I am not on any kind of diet but I am definitely more aware of the stuff that goes into my gob. Exercise makes me feel good -- proper food allows me to exercise. Simple. 

I'd really love a doughnut right now.

Jeremy's Beardy-weard

This is the first time I've waged into the political forum on this blog but, well, here goes.

Russell Brand, this week, engaged in an interview with the mighty Paxman (famously the brother of the chief executive of the Dartmoor Preservation Association) on his role of political magazine guest-editor. It can be viewed here.

I'm struggling to disagree with Brand. Voter apathy is not because people don't care but because they feel so disenfranchised with the system that they see no point.

Anyhoo, Brand's political foray is not the reason for this post and, believe it or not, neither is Paxman's magnificent beard (some can pull it off, others cannot. Myself? I think I look good with at least some designer stubble. The point is that men should not listen to the women in their lives - as a semi-metrosexual man I can confirm that the beard is a good look).

I actually just wanted to point out that I think that Brand's frustration/anger at Paxman is misdirected. Paxman did his job perfectly. He unbiasedly, albeit in his inimitable obnoxious style that makes him so good, questioned Brand on the fundamental issues that anyone who wants to be taken seriously needs to be asked. Brand, enrapt by a combination of the hypnotic hirsute-ness of his "foe" and the reason for his own cause did not seem too see that the beard was tacitly agreeing with him.

Questions, of themselves, are not disagreement. Ever. I use the same methodology in my work. Questions only ever lead to self-examination, improvement and refinement. Once you can answer all of the questions that are, or can be, asked then your position (political or otherwise) becomes solid. How and Why are the two greatest words in the English language.

If Brand can answer those questions, he could change the world.

</political rant>